“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I know karate and tons of other words.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*