I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.