I’m confused about plants
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I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My dad.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work