“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.