Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.