@breadzeppellin

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

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@brennadine

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

@imteddybless

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

@Darlainky

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

@adamgreattweet

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

@freezingsheep

If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

@seamusmckracken

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.