I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out