“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
This was my dad’s browser history.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.