@N0pantz

I’m convinced some of you are here because someone didn’t properly lock your cage.

You Might Also Like

@Parkerlawyer

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

@threetimedaddy

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

@fro_vo

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

@Browtweaten

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
–Superman, probably

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

@spark_asis

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

@SCbchbum

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

@ramenfuneral

that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse