Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Kids: Stay in school.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset