I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.