I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.