I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
You Might Also Like
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Good morning.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I already tried new things thanks.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.