Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!