*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.