@Hobo_Splendido

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

- @Hobo_Splendido

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@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@iMikosnyc

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@FuckabillyRex

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@Brentweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

@TSDD24

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too