I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
What the hell happened in there??
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
never deleting this app.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir