I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
LOL
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Fight
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*