IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.