@jjhartinger

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

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@Julian_Deane

My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.

@Circuitouslife

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

@LeBearGirdle

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

@ericsshadow

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

@Eightinchgoat

When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

@bingowings14

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.