Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta