@jjhartinger

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@ObviouslyJustMe

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@alexlumaga

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

@novixv

If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.

@Social_Mime

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

@yung_butters

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

@LlamaInaTux

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao