“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao