-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
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Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“That’s what” – She
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
asking santa clause for nudes
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Well well well…
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ