[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.