I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.