I’m dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached

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M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.


Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?


I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.


So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.


date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no


One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.


The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.


Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen


I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.


To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”