Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
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Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.