@brynnester

I’m dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached

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@JoParkerBear

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

@WritePlay

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

@paigebyerly

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

@slooberbie

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@abbycohenwl

Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen

@MsNitnots

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”