I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Customer is always right
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I got soap in my shower beer again.