@DiamondLou69

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

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@traciebreaux

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@ThisOneSayz

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

@shay_bayla

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

@Chumpstring

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

@E_lok44

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

@ohmygrapeness

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

@kimlockhartga

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

@Dpressedspartan

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked