“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.


6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one


I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread


BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.


I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it


One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.


Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.


When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.


My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked