I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning