I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
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I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose