My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.