I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
synchronized noseblowing
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”