My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Me: I am not wearing pants today.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
2. Stop calling me that.