@Shade510

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

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@skittle624

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

@einaregilsson

Every time I get this notification from Facebook about the birthday of some acquaintance I last spoke to 9 years ago I wonder how they would react if I just posted “I am thinking about you” on their wall…

@hermanntrude

Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”

@LizerReal

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

@DocAtCDI

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

@angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

@DiamondLou69

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

@mooses_mom_mar

Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.

@Browtweaten

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that