I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

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I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.


Every time I get this notification from Facebook about the birthday of some acquaintance I last spoke to 9 years ago I wonder how they would react if I just posted “I am thinking about you” on their wall…


Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”


if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you


I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.


4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.


She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.


Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.


[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that