@markleggett

I’m disappointed to see that a lot of women are using “period tracker apps” now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.

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@rebrafsim

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

@TrueQuixote

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

@Aspersioncast

My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.

@brunopieroni

Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@momtransparent1

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

@VocabuLarry

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

@moose_chocolate

I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!