Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.