“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

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My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.


“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”


When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.


Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.


[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never


*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*


[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird


Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.


Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME