My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
You Might Also Like
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I’ve got 66 problems and being upside-down is one.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.
Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME