“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.