@Schmoodles

I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.

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@thetomska

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

@maisonwithapen

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

@Home_Halfway

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”

*sunglasses*

*turns to camera*

hunch.”

@mydmac

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@fro_vo

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

@sharpular

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.