Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!