@thetomska
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
@Schmoodles
I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.
It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.
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@thetomska
@Fickle_Filly
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
@TheHyyyype
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
@maisonwithapen
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
@Home_Halfway
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
@mydmac
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
@Book_Krazy
Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!
Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!
Me:…
Hub:…his dream, not mine
@fro_vo
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
@sharpular
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.