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@dumbbeezie: “I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
@ThatBrenna: If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you're hardcore.
@samalmightysam: Overweight people know they're overweight, tall people know they're tall, why is it that stupid people don't know what they are?
@MattOswaltVA: is Quentin Tarantino directing 2016?
@AnitaHelmet: Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.
@NewDadNotes: [Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did
[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don't you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you're not allowed in here