“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies