My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?