I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.