I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors