I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*limbos away from your hug*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’ve had worse
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob