I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now