I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.