I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Happy Star Wars day!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
ok this is my dumbest yet
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
do what now??
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Every work meeting this week
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*