I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.


What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?


“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.


On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant


me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good


*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth


Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…


Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him


BIRD FACT: cardinals often engage in prolonged violent fights with their own reflections and you know what cardinals, I’m pushing 40 I get it


boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}



me: this one’s true tho