@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

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@patnspankme

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

@AdamTheLobster

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@spacewizard_t

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

@IndecisiveJones

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

@MomOnFire

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

@MrsGoose69

Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.

@lovemydogduck

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey

@MarfSalvador

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir