I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.


Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.


There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.


scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus



6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep


Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.


Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey


Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir