I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.