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@WheelTod

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

@mattytalks

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

@hazelmotes1

This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.

YES

@ObscureGent

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

@pizzajaynow

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”

@Sickayduh

When life tosses me a football, I’m the ref who’s not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face

@yoyoha

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them