Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭