Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..