they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You Might Also Like
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.