I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
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Body: I’m exhausted.
Brain: I’M AN EIGHT YEAR OLD ON CRACK!
me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone
I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?
My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever