@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

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@Boba_Photo

I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.

@drayzze

Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”

So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth

@myqkaplan

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

@lenazun

nobody:
an unmuted programmer on the zoom call: CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKCLACKCLACK

@WilliamAder

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

@PaperWash

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

@flashember

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

@mandysparklerxo

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.