I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
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Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God