@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

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@RefractReality

I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

@SaltyCorpse

Body: I’m exhausted.

Brain: I’M AN EIGHT YEAR OLD ON CRACK!

@ruinedpicnic

me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone

@Phook75

I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history

@MattTheBrand

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

@Darlainky

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

@momjeansplease

Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?

@Phook75

My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever