I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.