Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Come back with a warrant
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
You sure about that?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses